This week was epic. I could feel it starting on Monday. There have been big changes to my family life and home routine. I always take on everything with a Rosie the Riveter attitude – CAN DO! But by Tuesday, I knew I was in over my head. Wednesday was even worse, and by Thursday I pulled all the shades, turned on cartoons for the littles, turned on the fire place to ward off the chill, and slept for six hours while my kids jumped on me and had a great time soaking up all the Playhouse Disney their little hearts could desire.
It’s been a long time since I zoned out like that. I have meds to keep me from doing that. I have to take those meds because I love my kids and I don’t want DCS taking them away from me.
When I finally woke up, I felt better. But I knew I was still in ice cream mode. That’s the bottom of the pile. The place where I go when I am just barely hanging on. I don’t really eat. I focus only on getting my kids through their needs. When hunger does hit me, the only thing I want to eat is ice cream.
I used to chide myself for this craving. I used to say mean things to myself about being fat and indulging. But I don’t do that anymore. I’ve come to find that it is more of the depression talking, and as a very good friend of mine is fond of saying, “DEPRESSION LIES!”
It’s true. It’s all lies. If my body needs ice cream to function, then that’s what I feed it. So I have only eaten ice cream this week. A bite here and there when I need to silence the growl in my stomach. No serious pig outs, but yah. Ice cream.
Friday afternoon the whole thing came to a head. I was crying so hard for most of the day that my kids thought I was laughing, which is a good thing. I just kept blowing my nose and wiping my tears and they laughed right along with me and Mickey Mouse.
Then a friend texted me.
Now here’s the key – I have sorted out my friends. I have kept close those I know that will be supportive, those that give to me and allow me to give back to them. This was one such friend. She convinced me to leave the house without worrying about what I looked like or the fact that I can’t remember the last time I showered. She promised me she would wear her sweats and not fix her hair and she picked me up, took me to dinner. I ate REAL food. And wow, did it taste good. Then she got me ice cream. She let me talk about every stupid little thing that’s been dragging me down and by the end of the night I really was laughing.
I woke up this morning feeling better. I took my meds and made a plan. That plan includes writing. Writing for me is my way of telling the universe “Thank you”. I’m no great contributor, but I give what I can.
Thank you friends, thank you ice cream, thank you universe, and thank you Mickey Mouse. I made it through another week and things will get better.